its december..

december 15th to be exact. meaning only 10 days till christmas. its not as exciting for some reason. well actually i know why. no christmas tree decorations or tree since were going to nebraska. and we decided not to waste money on a tree and stuff. thats okay with me. but still. christmas in my childhood just seemed so much more. more merrier and the air was filled with something. other then snow i mean. something magical. and thats definetly not here this year. i think im just homesick. well actually not for nebraska, but for my dad and snow. i need those two and im glad that in less then 9 days i will get to embrace both. a year is a long long time. ya, its short on some levels. but 356 of not seeing someone, laughing and crying with them. of no hugs or pats on the back. of not talking for more then a month at a time. well, you begin to be afraid of forgetting them, if you dont see them real soon. with that said, first semester of senior year is almost done. almost, almost. thats what keeps me going. that and the hope that second semester will fly on by faster then first. and then, well, i start on the path to shaping my future.

i could have and can be so many things. i could be anything, anything at all. i just wish i had more time to put my potential into different things. i want to save the world. kill world hunger and wipe the tears from every face. but i cant do all that. i would be lying if i said i could. i can make a little diffence though. at least i can do that.
i want to adopt and work as a doctor overseas and help in prisons and volunteer in homeless shelters and hug the world. but my arms may not be big enough for everything. ill just have to wait and see

only time will tell. only time will tell all.
yours always.

well its fall break time.
its already tuesday and im such a procrastinor.
i just want to sleep, and travel in my deams.
that would be cool.

on sunday i played pool, and found out that i really suck.
then we went to the american river. by the bridge. and it was extremely scary because it seemed like their was a figure in the middle of the bridge. but it wasnt moving. and then it looked like a ghost.
and we started running and screaming. oh goodness, i was scared.
then we went to a park and found blocks of ice there.
so we went ice blocking. super duper fun.
except the butt getting cold and wet part.

it was a great evening.

i bought a dark blue hat with a big pom pom at the end of it. i really like it.


my phone bill was 90 dollars this month. makes me want to cuss, because seriously what the f***** almost a hundred dollars for what.
dont these phone companies make enough money. what are they taking all our money for.


im never getting a credit card. ever. never. evernever. it would be suicide. i would then have to stay in this machine of a country for ever. i would slowly rot. im never getting a credit card. no matter what. this is a vow

im reading "through painted deserts" by donald miller
wow. i have to go on a road trip. i need to experience life on the drive. and not comfortable at that. i really want to wake up to sunsets and fall asleep to sunrises. if need be work for a while somewhere just so i have enough money to move on.
live in nature, in harmony with my surroundings. i think my sould would flourish there. i just need a car first...


i havent talked to my dad in a while. maybe a month already. this truth is sadening to me. it makes me want to sit and cry. but crying doesnt change anything. doesnt make anything better.
i dont really have much to say to him. even though i love him. that doesnt mean i have much to say.
we are living seperate lives. i see different sights. he smells different smells. and even though we see the same moon. i feel like we arenet related anymore.

im working 20 hours this week. i like working. i hate how fast i can waste money. having maggie doesnt help. and she wont understand until she starts working. but thats life right. work work work, and not much to show for it. except a laptop and a dresser drawer. and a bunch of little stuff.

well. thats that.
love, angei

i have to get away from here. it needs to be done.

i have to leave this place i call home, these people i love.

staying here is killing me. i die

if i remain..

i will slowly sofocate in the colm, known of this place.

i need to have anew road stretched out before me.

i need the open universe of the night sky layed out as a map above me.

a billion stars have to burn and i need to feel fireflies fluttereing by my opensoul

it would be suicide if i stay

this city with its capturing walls and blank stares will be the death of me.

i have to get out of this glass jar.

i need fresh air.

i am extremely exhausted. this is what feeling dead must be, but probably a million times worst.
this week has been hecktic, wait lets correct that. this whole months been crazy. and i know the uncoming weeks will be even crazier.
so far this year ive forgotton 2 very importan things.
first of. i forgot the deadline for IB testing and i just because the coordinator is super nice did i get financial aid.
2nd i forgot about buying the cap and gown, which would have been at discount price today. ugggghhhh. i know its not really anybodies fault. but why cant people just remind each other. or have announcements for these kinds of things. i feel like such a ... um whats the word
forgetful old fart.
man, and ive been so angry these past few days. at life i guess . but thats not the right attitude.
ill have to work on that.
well a tired wave just hit me.
ill write soon..

well happy fall to you!!!

hope your afternoon has been lovely as ever. mine sure was. how could it not be when the wind was blowing so beautifully and making the golden leaves dance around like at a ball ( :D ) it was a bit sad though. because me and my friend from my apartments walked to target to buy a kite, because i figured it was a perfect day for that, and alas, they did not have any whatsoever. so i bought brownie mix and a christmas penguin plate and we made brownies ( for a surprise for maggie and my mom when they get home) and placed some cut up strawberries on tope, mmmhhmm they are delish

and yesterday yesterday (a.k.a sunday) was suchhhhhh a marvelous day. we played hookie from church and went to downtown and had a perfect day. well me and mom did. maggie was volunteering at this one thing. but me and mom walked about 7 -9 blocks to a bakery called the bread shop and had some pastery thing and coffee, hot cocoa for me. and then i bought the most amazing bread ever.... its called facoshia or something like that and it has cheese, onion and tomatoe on top of it. oh my, it tasted fabulous. kinda like pizza my mama said. and it was semi windy and the leaves were falling over head as we walked to the crocker art museum (cuz its free on sundays, yiyaa) and it was just so great. dont you love those kind of days.

so i just wanted to remember that memory whenever i read this
but now i gotta go.
but hopefully ill write soon
p.s im working on a short story right now and im really excited

tomorrow…

tomorrow, ill love you tomorrow. your only a day awayyyyyyyy.

:D lets hope that the wedding i desperatly dont want to go to goes o.k! and i get all my homework finished.

i had some thai food today from my favorite little restuarant. its was deelish! and cheep cheep

well....

here we are again. friday. (finally seems overrated here, or just overused)
hello friday and welcome. yes sirreee

well school wasnt that bad, my leadership for TOK wasnt as crazy as i thought it would be. i lived, so that counts for something. and i didnt pee myself or cry.
hehe i cant even imagine that scene. alrighty then moving on

but something crazy did happen when me and mom were driving back (maggie stayed at school for a volleyball thing). so were driving along and then we stop becuase the light is red. but the lane next to us was the turning lane and the light was green and before i know it this guy on a bike (with a bag of cans) drives past us (becuase we are stopped mind you) and he doesnt see the car by us driving, and vice versa, and he just slames into the window. and so i see these cans fly up and this guy, well i only see his leg, and no joke like after 10 seconds he just starts moving and gets up. dude, he wasnt hurt AT ALL. it was so amazing, well not amazing, but more like interesting to witness. and we drove away but then turned back just in case he needed some witnesses.
its crazy how dented in the window was but how unhurt the guy was.

so thats all i wanted share, ooo and that i feel really pretty today and extra special. maybe its just friday. hehe
-angei

well howdy..

im not actally a country girl. even though i was born in Nebraska.
oh how i miss the fall and wintery season there.

i wish i could just write and write all day and night, and even then i know that i wouldnt get every ounce of word out of my system, it would still be overflowing

life. in a nutshell (although it might get a bit squishy in there, and probably dark...)
my mom just got some teeth done by this really nice armanian dentist(who look really young, but really istn :D_
she did this becuase she had the worst teeth pains. especially in one tooth which was seriously killing her. she said "i wish i could just pull it out" and she was dead serious. but she didnt in the end. so she used a lot of money for her teeth, but that was necessary.

and maggie(sister) need braces now, since we've been waiting for like 2 years already to get them on her. but we dont have that kind of money at the moment.

reason 1:
moms going to college full time and isnt working becuase of that
reason 2:
mom let a "friend" borrow $1000, and now the friend is practically ignoring her and it doesnt seem shes intending to give it back to her. sad sad.
my moms willing to let her give it back in monthly instalments, but the lady istn replying to my moms notes shes left at her apartment.
i just dont understand.
but i think my moms learned her lessons or lending out large chunks of money

money always seems like a problem. and i try not to envy people who have it, but its hard you know. let me tell ya, its hard.
because it seems they dont appreciate it....

i had a lovely dream last night. obvioustly i dont remember it all clearly cuz dreams tend to slip out as softly as they slip in my head.

situation :
it was my cousin leras birthday and kyle from work was baking her a cake and we were going to go and surprise her or something... with a whole bunch of balloons

so.. what i remember:
im facing this old house (that ive never seen before) and kyle says i can use his car to take a whole whole whole (like a lot) bunch of balloons to olesya. and i walk down the steps and the balloons lift me up and i kinda bounce up and down the street with the balloons. and i cant find his car for some reason. i dont realize that some of the balloons are popping and its getting cold outside.
so i go back to the house, and i look up and there are only 2 green balloons left, and when i walk into the door the last 2 just pop. becuase it was cold outside and really warm inside.
and i look into the kitchen, (and i think) that he is taking a cake out all happy and such. and i show him all the strings. and i dont remember what happens next...
but i dont think he got mad, becuase he had the yummy cake as a present, so its o.k if we didnt have any balloons.

*sigh* it was a wonderful dream because i really felt myself going up into the air with a whole bouquet of balloons in my arms!!! and i was actually frightened of not getting back down

i wish my dad would really know how much i miss him. just because i dont call or email, it doesnt mean im too busy with something else. i dont know how to explain it. yes, on some days i purposly dont want to talk to him, hate it that i cant see him and tell him how much i want to just spend one day with him. how at random moments of the day, i simply think of him. i could never hate him, never.
i just wish he new the extent of my forgiveness


yup yup, yikes tomorrow me and callie are leading our first TOK seminar as leaders. i truly hope my heart becomes peaceful when i get up there and i put on a big smile and give it my best shot.
oooo i hope i do

and then i work 5 30 till 10 30 tomorrow. and when i get home im just crashing and sleeping.
i fear im growing old with hints of bags under my eyes from lack of sleep. its sorts funny how nothing can last here on earth, except souls that is...

time to finish up other stuff,
angei

well look at the time...

already 11:07, but i couldnt help myself. it just had to be done.

becuase words need to flow from my soul.

and maybe their insignificant to everybody else in the world but me,

but thats o.k

lifes a bit crazy, with so much stuff going on, well at least it seems like it.

maybe it will stop soon, maybe it will never die down.

random i know but i was thinking of euthanasia (allowing a doctor to kill you without pain, if you are in horrible, and unstopable pain)

and honestly if something were to happen to me, after 2 or 3 years on life support if i was still an avocado just lying there not doing anything or bringing anyone benefit. just let me go.

no hard feelings.

i went to muir woods, and they were gorgious and big and beautiful. but there were too many people there for my liking. i like the nature though, a lot, and when i have my own car i will definetly just go out to places like that and read, write, draw, think and sing.

becuase the sould needs days like that to rejuvinate and come closer to God.

i like my room and table so much. they are so comfortable and so ... well me. im so grateful i have a roof over my head and food on the table and other things that i dont even need.

what a wonderful wonderful oppurtunity i have to succeed and i will.

no matter what i have to do or how long it may take i will succeed and (if God leads me, to be a medical missionary, then so be it)

alrite, must be off to bed now

oooh and i bought a new book at the thrift store. i forgot what its called, but its great.!:D

lets see..

today is thursday. glorious thursday.
school gets out at 1 35 instead of 2 56
and thats always a plus.
and its one step closer to friday. meaning the weekend once again.
my saturday is going to be full.
sacstate visit in the morning
work for 3 hours and then..
babysitting for the evening. macy, gracie, tebin and darrin whom i love :D

today at the store a guy started talking to me about maybe recognizing someone but not knowing where from and i told him about the guy from costco.
anywho.. at the end when i was leaving he said something like "bye, have a good evening... (pause).. stay beautiful"

interesting eh? '
and i started thinking about those words "stay beautiful"
noone can stay beautiful. right?
and what is beautiful anyways

beautiful, beautiful its the aim of so many people. years and money wasnted on gaining back years
face it people, your going to grow old

im going to grow old, so i better live each day to its fullest
speaking of fullest, im going to dennys to get a milkshake with my friend liz...

-angei

today..

is the very first day of the air actually holding that crisp fall vibe to it.
and it was windy even though the sun was high in the sky.
oh, am i glad about the weather. tomorrow will definetly be a scarf kind of day
i had a horrible day yesterday,because i remembered about something very important that was due a week ago and then at work customers were just rude. lets just say it wasnt my day, but thats o.k becuase today wasnt bad, and hopefully tomorrow will be even better. and thats all i need right, just a little bit of hope.

and i should be doing my homework. becuase im working on this thing called not procrastinating. we"ll see how it works after a couple of months.

i was looking at a magazine/article thing from seattle pacific university,located in um... well seattle of course. and i absolutely love it, a lot alot alot.
i hope Gods plans inculde the lovely city of seattle in them. but if not, ill sill survive.

hang on little tomatoe by pink marini is an amazing song to listen too if you down by the way.

alrighty,
better go start that environmental systems homework.

ohhhhh, wait i watched a great movie 2 days ago. its called angus, thongs and perfect snogging. so adorable

"im such a poor excuse of a girl..."

-angei

how...

wonderful. to have you here, beating as part of my soul.
passing by on our journey, you point out all the beauty.
your unexplainable. your glorious beyond compare.
i am part of you. no doubt about that.
i wish i could act more like it sometimes, you'll help me im sure.
no doubt you will never leave. we're stuck together.
even when i walk through death, through trails, through worry and fear.
i have my little jar of hope tucked into my soul.
and thats all i need to get me through the night.

:D i love you God.

here you come. perfect as always. ...
and i only have 5 seconds to hold you in my heart, untill you walk away.
only 5 seconds to tell you how i feel, with me eyes.
only 5 seconds to show you how much you mean, with my smile.
only 5 seconds instead of a lifetime.
thats how much time im granted with you.
even though we're not meant to be. even though we will never fulfill each other
even though i cant stand liking you.
i cant help grabing those 5 seconds and using my eyes and smile...
to show you how much you mean to me.




why, why , why. i dont want to care for you.
but i cant get enough of your smile. of you sparkling laugh.
you make my heart smile.
but. why why why.
i didnt ask for you. i cant have you now.
so why are you here?
even if you left, you wouldnt leave my heart.
youve left a mark on it,
and no amount of scratching will ever take it off.




oh me oh my.
how i do wish you were mine.
how i do wish you would love me for all time.
how i do wish i could hold your hand.
how i do wish you'd be bland.

what can i say. im just in the word mode right now. you can never stop the flow of sentences.


i dont understand.
my constant need for love.
my inner struggle.
my dispare when things dont go my way
my wants and desires.
myself.
but maybe im not programmed to understand everything.

......

random poetry:

you and me.
we're so different, we're so similar.
our hearts beat the same rythme. our lips sing the same tune.
our feet walk to the same step. our souls cry out to the same heavens.

you and me.
even when i try to push you away, i cant.
your too familiar. i wouldnt be the same with you gone.

you and me. me and you.
how can it be that we match each other so well.
it cant be coencidence. can it?

breathing in the same air. feeling the same breeze drift our thoughts away.

i thought....

that i would have more time to write!
well i have a feeling that it will be easier now, because i bought my own laptop ( i dont know what i should name is yet though)

what else...
yesterday i took a ferris bueller. meaning i just decided not to go to school. it felt like a saturday, so i had 2 saturdays in a row. :D what a joy

i absolutely love perfect moments. and im proud to say that i actually have a lot of those. when every single thing perfectly fits in together. and the right words are said, and smiles are thown around and the air just seems sweet.
take yesterday for instance.
me, my sister and mom had a lovely breakfast. drinking from the tea cups we gave her for her last birthday. i absolutely love these tea cups. they are a pearly white and sky blue and they just make me want to smile.

work wasnt too bad either. funny story

when i went to go buy the laptop yesterday at costco we sat down to eat some ice cream afterwards and this cute grandpa started talking to us. and then we had to go but i had this feeling that i had seen him before and i told maggie that i think he came to my work before (in-n-out) and lo and behold im working and i see him. and i took his order and i said " hi, remember me, me and my sister were talking to you at costco today" and of course he remembered then.
but anyways, its funny how small the world is sometimes
but i also think thats a good thing.

after work me and my mom took a walk outside. and their was not a soul outside. and the stars were looking down on us. then she showed me a dance she learned in college that day called the foxtrot, and it was kind of difficult to learn. but me and her danced anyways.
and it felt like everything would be alright in life. even if we never get what we want, we have each other and thats all that matters. and i think i can be happy with that.

i was also thinking about nebraska (the place i used to live) and how although i really really want to visit this winter, and how much i miss it times because it is my home land.
it will never be home again, becuase home is where maggie and my mom are. home is here, in california.
and although the weather is outragous (82 degrees right now), and im mad at it.
i can live with it for the time being, becuase their is always that hope of moving to seattle or someplace with rain and snow. lovely cold weather.

autumn. i love that word. it holds something brisk and golden in it. it holds the promise of winter flying in at any moment and surprising the sleeping world around it.

i created a beautiful creation in art. im so happy for it. its one of those pieces that think "i wish i would have made that... wait hehe i did"

oh boy. life is so beautiful. especially when you have a wonderful room to write and dream from....

see ya

isnt...

the first of anything is always the best!

like rain for instance. its so refreshing after being gone for such a long time.

the air changes, you can feel autumn at your doorstep, ready to fly in with the falling leaves.

oh and those wonderful smells, of spices and crisp wind.

how can any other season compare to glorious fall?

breath in, breath out.

i can tell everthing is going to be alright.

yippy skippy for rain!!!!!!

isnt life like a ZEBRA.
good.... then bad... then right back to good again.
and its a neverending cycle we can never stop or grasp.
but thas a good thing right.
becuase it would be just horrible if someones life was just a wave of bad all the time, everyday.

i have so much to be thankful for
eyes, ears , life , a brain, a cheerful heart, a happy smile.
what more can one ask for ?

fresh baked....

....... COOKIES
oh how i love them.
imagine this.
youve waited for the moment for so long, and finally
it comes out or the oven. nice and toast.
ready to be eaten alive.
ooey gooey, beautifully devine.
just perfect, especially if you have a glass of milk along side you.

i feel like im diving into a chocolate ocean. and thats a good feeling,
especially if your with a friend!

"it doesnt matter", i said.

she smiled at me.

"love always matters"she said.

i was in no position to argue.

And if you look a little closer, you'll see that if a person believes that life is terrible, they’ll constantly look for proof of this, to confirm their view of the world. They’ll find quotes and situations and events in their life and magnify them a hundred times.If a person believes that life is wonderful, they’ll look for the corresponding signage and behave in a similar manner to the previous person with their view of the world.Often, this is the same person on different days of the week.

from a blog by "i wrote this for you"

"Sometimes people are beautiful.

Not in looks.

Not in what they say.

Just in what they are."

-Markus Zusakfrom :I Am The Messenger

lets talk about ...

L-O-V-E....
is for the way you look at me
is for the only one i see
is very very extraordinary
is everything that i adore


alright i just couldnt wait to write some more. and who ways i have to wait a whole day right? so i thought i would talk about something everybody wants and need!
love,
what a wonderful and dangerous word

personally i decided a long time ago that i wouldnt date until college, and even then not to just fall in love with the fist person i see (that would be akward)

"hi ... blah blah blah... who are you"
oh, well im the man of your deams... blah blah.. lets fall in love"
YA RIGHT!

so anyways, even that phrase "fall in love" is such a trap. obviously if you can fall into it, you can hop or fly right out.
now dont get my wrong i love well.. love
but its crazy when little 12, 13 14 or even 18 year olds "love each other", because seriously
i just dont get it. when did purity and true love get kicked out of society?

heres i quote from "Belong to me" by Marissa de los santos that is just, beautifly written:

"whenever Dev remembered that night, and he'd remember it for a long time, what never stopped amazing him was how normal it felt. not everyday, no big deal normal. more like extragalactic, superradiant, nigh in a million normal. normal turned up a couple of thousand of notches, but normal none the less becuase, against all odds, with so many reasons to feel nervous, shy, and out of place,
Dev spent the entire evening feeling precisly and absolutely like himself.
pg. 138


isnt that amazing and true,
to feel just like yourself, not trying to impress anyone or make them love you. just being yourself and nothing more or less. thats what im looking for , and i will not settle for anyting less! so why even date or pretend to love someone, when in the long run, your just hurting yourself.

respect outweighs love in the long run.
no respect = no love

why arent thing like philosphy and life lessons (or something like that) taught in schools??
if you screw up something like a relationship or job interview,
geometry or history of france isnt going to help you

oh boy...

my first blog (obviously). and i must say that i am super excited, although it looks pretty blank right now.
honestly (since i dont plan on lying), the reason i started was because of the movie "julie and julia". ya, after paying 8 dollars to go watch it i realized how fun it looks.
so here i am, and im excited becuase after "X" amount of months its going to be so interesting to look back and see what i was concerned/happy/overjoyed/sad about... and then ill laugh (in a nice way) at myself becuase it will be all over by then.
i dont think a huge amount of people are going to read this, and that is A OK with me :D because ultimatly this is for my own benefit. to pour my feelings out and hope that somewhere/somehow somebody is impacted by it. (if only a little) and well isnt that what all blogs are about?

hhhmmm... i should be writing an essay for TOK (theory of knowledge) right now, but this sounds way more interesting. do you blame me? im such a procrastinator, and i keep hoping that one day ill magically wake up and want to finish me homework days and weeks before its do, but... sadly that day hasnt come yet

im dissapointed in the weather. its almost september for goodness sakes and its too hot for my liking.
one day i"ll embrace seattle, by living in its rainy/snowy/perfect weather. but for now, california will have to do




dont you sometimes wish you could turn memories from your brain into pictures and put them on blogs, or into real life.
if i could i would, i would have to put one up from way back when...

back in nebraska (probably 2000 or something)
when i was like 9 or 10, and it was december and snow had fallen
and so being the enchanted kid i was, i went outside and took
a glass plate with me to put snow in.. well to make a long story short
it broke.
so there i was cold and with broken glass in the snow ...
that look on my face is what i would want to transfer into a photo.

crazy how certain moments in life come back to you years later. ya?