well howdy..

im not actally a country girl. even though i was born in Nebraska.
oh how i miss the fall and wintery season there.

i wish i could just write and write all day and night, and even then i know that i wouldnt get every ounce of word out of my system, it would still be overflowing

life. in a nutshell (although it might get a bit squishy in there, and probably dark...)
my mom just got some teeth done by this really nice armanian dentist(who look really young, but really istn :D_
she did this becuase she had the worst teeth pains. especially in one tooth which was seriously killing her. she said "i wish i could just pull it out" and she was dead serious. but she didnt in the end. so she used a lot of money for her teeth, but that was necessary.

and maggie(sister) need braces now, since we've been waiting for like 2 years already to get them on her. but we dont have that kind of money at the moment.

reason 1:
moms going to college full time and isnt working becuase of that
reason 2:
mom let a "friend" borrow $1000, and now the friend is practically ignoring her and it doesnt seem shes intending to give it back to her. sad sad.
my moms willing to let her give it back in monthly instalments, but the lady istn replying to my moms notes shes left at her apartment.
i just dont understand.
but i think my moms learned her lessons or lending out large chunks of money

money always seems like a problem. and i try not to envy people who have it, but its hard you know. let me tell ya, its hard.
because it seems they dont appreciate it....

i had a lovely dream last night. obvioustly i dont remember it all clearly cuz dreams tend to slip out as softly as they slip in my head.

situation :
it was my cousin leras birthday and kyle from work was baking her a cake and we were going to go and surprise her or something... with a whole bunch of balloons

so.. what i remember:
im facing this old house (that ive never seen before) and kyle says i can use his car to take a whole whole whole (like a lot) bunch of balloons to olesya. and i walk down the steps and the balloons lift me up and i kinda bounce up and down the street with the balloons. and i cant find his car for some reason. i dont realize that some of the balloons are popping and its getting cold outside.
so i go back to the house, and i look up and there are only 2 green balloons left, and when i walk into the door the last 2 just pop. becuase it was cold outside and really warm inside.
and i look into the kitchen, (and i think) that he is taking a cake out all happy and such. and i show him all the strings. and i dont remember what happens next...
but i dont think he got mad, becuase he had the yummy cake as a present, so its o.k if we didnt have any balloons.

*sigh* it was a wonderful dream because i really felt myself going up into the air with a whole bouquet of balloons in my arms!!! and i was actually frightened of not getting back down

i wish my dad would really know how much i miss him. just because i dont call or email, it doesnt mean im too busy with something else. i dont know how to explain it. yes, on some days i purposly dont want to talk to him, hate it that i cant see him and tell him how much i want to just spend one day with him. how at random moments of the day, i simply think of him. i could never hate him, never.
i just wish he new the extent of my forgiveness


yup yup, yikes tomorrow me and callie are leading our first TOK seminar as leaders. i truly hope my heart becomes peaceful when i get up there and i put on a big smile and give it my best shot.
oooo i hope i do

and then i work 5 30 till 10 30 tomorrow. and when i get home im just crashing and sleeping.
i fear im growing old with hints of bags under my eyes from lack of sleep. its sorts funny how nothing can last here on earth, except souls that is...

time to finish up other stuff,
angei