oh goodness

how fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
i struggle to find any truth in your lies
and now my heart stumbles on things i dont know
my weakness i feel i must finally show....
by mumford and sons

peppermint tea + lights all around+ sleeping maggie + a beautifully composed essay all finished up + perfume +solo andventure just around the corner = a content and happy angelina sorokin

Don’t get me wrong now. I usually love life. I try to find at least one thing that is good in everyday. I enjoy living. But today I fucking hate it. I hate everything. And I don’t want to open my mind towards liking anything except maybe the lemon Lipton ice tea on my desk, and even that sucks because its empty calories. I fucking hate that we have to be on welfare, and I hate getting food from the college café with my mommy be my side as she takes out the square papers she gets for going to college while being a single mom. I want to use real money. And yes, I’m stupid to be thinking like that, but the little paper shows the whole world that we are abnormal. For some reason when im walking with my mom, no matter how im dressed people think im fresh off the boat, like all the other fucking Russians out there. And we stock up on food. And I fucking hate every moment of it. I fucking hate myself today for not having a car. That its taking me so long to do something I should have done ages ago. I hate that nobody gave me a car wrapped in a ginormous bow on my 16 birthday. I hate that im selfish and jealous. I hate that I work and work, and still have nothing.
I hate that I forgot my f-ing stupid student ID card today and couldn’t do any of my fucking RAD work. And I also hate that I dropped that salad today. Seriously, what the hell?
I hate that im cussing as I write even though I don’t cuss out loud. I feel like a hypocrite. I hate that everyone’s a hypocrite in some way or another.
I hate that I feel so giant, like some oversized balloon trying to get educated, but stuck. I hate that math doesn’t interest me and that being a doctor would take too much time and information that just wouldn’t stick in my brain. I hate that im not drop dead gorgeous or at least really really fit. I hate that ive never had a boyfriend. And I hate that im so desperate. Im afraid that I’ll settle for someone less.
I hate that I like in a fucking valley. Where its hot for such a long time. I hate that I don’t live right in the midst of mountains or the ocean. That its not raining right now. That its not windy but sunny.
Okay okay, I am liking the hot chocolate that im drinking I must confess. But nothing else. I am a beast today. I will tear you to shreds.
I hate that people think I think nice thoughts all the time, and am never mean or feisty. I guess they haven’t read this right here.
I hate my dad today too. For thinking he can just do what he does. Come back into my life whenever he feels like it. I don’t but I do want to see him. I hate that I can’t decide and am always stuck in the middle.i fucking hate it. and i fucking hate today...



this right here is the good news though:
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1nauah/www.naturesoundsfor.me/

ive decided...

if i ever have a big enough space behind where i live (aka a backyard)
im definitely going to plant a bazzion trillion million flowers. preferably ones with bright colors. like sunflowers and daffodils and irises and tulips. and etc.
but definitely giant glorious sunflowers AND along with those flowers this futuristic backyard will have lots and lots of mattress's laid out everywhere. like a GIANT BED IN THE OPEN SPACE. it will be wonderful. with lots of blankets and pillows. and i will be able to sleep out in the open. right below the stars. i can finally breathe.

and if i have a fence. i wont have to worry about finding a place for my art.

i guess this will have to all go indoor somewhere once fall/winter comes around. since i dont need wet mattress's or paintings.

i cant wait for this dream to come true. yipppy for dreaming.




i cant wait to go to nebraska. 2 more weeks hip hip hooray!

howdy!

mooneywolf

nitetime poetry

what happens next.

after the wind dies down and the music fades...

after you disappear, will i still be able to see you

ghostly whisper in the middle of the night

haunting my dreams. echo.

and when i wake, you'll be at the tip of my tongue.

but i wont know how to describe you to myself.

mirage.

mirror image.

fluttering away softly unattended to.

letting you go involuntarily.

black and white exposure

sinking in too deep. if only i could hold you, see you in my sleep

place you by my windowsill and hang you up to dry

but instead you breathe invisibility, turn around and fly

i cant help but turn around, hope to see you go

sitting here i realize i should know. i should know

not to let myself in uninvited. unprepared

i shouldn't care, shouldn't feel

but i do. i do. i do

sitting here, thinking of this and that.

what is. what was. what could've been

what wasn't. what failed. what rusted like a nail

and the train's keeps rolling by.

rushing through my veins

collapsing on my heart.

the numbers go past my ears because all i want is the pillow

the feeling of solidarity

"i miss you even when your around"

and this is how it is.

what its always going down to.

facts:

i got a shot today, it hurt.

im working the next four days. 20 hours-ish total

started a chictopia (splitsecondwonder)

less than 3 weeks till nebraska

the flowers in my room are dying. fish is still alive

UPPERCASE MAGAZINE! YES PLEase

goodnite! <3

today is coldish. how wonderful

so i wake up, and i can tell the weather is wierd, in a good way.
i look outside and it looks like its going to rain (it didnt) but its semi chilly
so im very very happy
i wore my deep green pom hat finally
and as i was running to the park to get my daily excercise it hit me

why dont i forgive myself?
i realize that this is something we all probably forget to do or just dont think about.. so all of those unpleasent emotions about ourselves when we mess up are just stuck inside.

so i forgave myself. for saying the wrong thing or not saying anything at all.
for not doing the right thing. for skrewing up
and it felt really good. to forgive. i always forgive everyone else, but i think its more important to forgive oneself.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2NEU6Xf7lM&feature=related



so forgive yourself. and love yourself.

i have....

a crazy fish.

so heres the story:

name - obadiah

type - beta, cute bug eyes goldfish was what i was hoping for but that didnt work out

and this fish just wont die.

dont get me wrong now. i love fish. i draw them all the type. i love seafood. i'm usually good with fish

but this fish is just annoying.

he lives in an upside dont large lightbulb.

im telling you. me and my sister forget to feed him all of the time. and he just lives on and on

any normal living thing would have died long ago.

well i guess i have grown attached to him. but its just odd you know

what is up with this crazy fish??

on to other lovelies

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2XYFn1/www.zefrank.com/scribbler/

at first i was like "what" but it goods cool, trust me

http://www.earth-photography.com/Countries/Slovakia

amazing pictures

wrote this august 28th

this is my way of letting you know, that i dont know anymore.

i never did.

how easy it is to trust you when the path is straight,

how easy those walls turn stone cold when the world shakes.

im trusting you. but i wonder

try to analyze this

although i'll ever comprehend

i cant quite picture the outcome

my infinite mind wanders about

waiting on you.

i dont want to sleep life away. safely. soundly

teach me how to fly. how to soar

towards the feeling of you.

keep me going

what if i were in your shoes. would i feel the same way

or deny. and die inside,

im reaching out to you.

reach back.

this is old. but i love it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WI-bHenF3L0&feature=related

you know what i love.

the midnight sky.

i want to live somewhere where i can see every single star clearly. somewhere with crisp clean air

this is from the book through painted deserts by donald millard

" at midnight it feels there is more light in the sky than darkness,

as though God took a fistful of stardust and threw it upward where it shimmers

at the apex of its ascent, as though what we know as creation exists only for this

brief second before it all comes crashing down again.

brilliant blue clusters, spread thick and dense and they sparkle and fade,

sparkle and fade.

it is silent music, the night sky.."

wowwwwww. im in love with these words.

they make me grin and i kindof want to laugh at how beautiful and perfect they are. thats how perfect the midnight sky it. how perfect God is.

whats been on my heart for a while:

i would grow a sunflower field in my backyard, if i had one that is...

another cool book = drops like stars

https://www.robbell.com/resurrection/

okay okay, im just really excited about all the wonderful, creative things and people in the world.

all hope isnt lost.

to start this off. here are some quotes from blogger i wrote this for you that pertain to what i'm thinking about.

Time never said

"Best you enjoy yourself now because we're going somewhere soon."

But that's what he meant. (sept.

Only because it's still so raw and real. Soon I'll just be a series of images that sometimes flash through your mind, when you least expect it. And after that, only a few will stay. Then, one. A memory of a memory. ( august 12)

You should tell them the truth. Tell them that if they hold on too tightly, love might cut them. Tell them to hold on tightly anyway. Tell them everything is worth it and that the richness of life is only ever enhanced by its inevitable, brief flashes of sadness and loss. (june 28)

You are the distance between the way things are and the way I want them to be. ( june 17 )

Of course it's complicated. If it wasn't, I probably wouldn't be interested in you. (june 2 )

Dreaming isn't hard. Dreaming while you walk, work and wonder, is another matter entirely. ( june 1)

weren't all of those magnificent!!!!!! check out iwrotethisforyou for you

now this is me :D

change is inevitable. and bound to happen but its soo hard some days.

all of us paint these amazing pictures of how we want our day, or life to go. and we imagine what someone else will do or say to impact us. how wonderful everything is going to be, but then bam. we get the news. somedays its good but we remember the bad news and bad change longer. it cuts us deeper and makes us bleed longer.

the worst is imagining one thing, and the complete opposite happening right?

or imagining completely obsurd things that you hope will maybe happen. but dont happen. and that little ounce of hope is crushed.

and we may hope or believe in one thing. but the world is made up of lots of people and they dont all believe or hope in those same things.

and isnt this the truth

we like someone, and they dont like us in that way

but then they like someone, and that other person doesn't like them in that way...etc and it just keeps going and going....

a never ending circle that we're all sucked into.

and since im a very sensitive person my heart gets crushed by this. i guess they dont call them crushes for nothing. im afraid that people i admire or like or even love will eventually just turn into a "memory of a memory"

that their laugh will slowly disintegrate. or the way their eyes look when their sad or laughing will simply dissapear from my mind.

ill slowly forget words spoken. how they were spoken. looks at certain moments.

the way they looked from behind and how their hands felt in my mind.

ill just forget. and this scares me.

but this is what else i think.

yes, those people may bring heartache and sadness. but they are the ones who made and make me more of a person. without them in my life im less. im not saying that i was a pathetic excuse for a person before. its just i was different and they added on to me. made me more. made me see and taste what i could have.

made me realize that yes this is what i want or don't want in my life and everyday journey.

and even when i lose something that i desperately wanted to hold onto forever, at least i had it. if only for a split second that went by too fast.

and its okay to be sensitive.

to feel the world and be part of the whirlwind we're all born into.

its okay to be hurt by change. but change is here. and we are here.

so ill try to hold on to these mental snapshots and images for as long as possible....

as long as it takes...

the truth is, we're all gonna die some day.

wrote this yesterday night.

and this is how we go. how we go. how we go

how we dissolve

into heaps of fallen dreams

dissinigrating down to a predictable future

how we evapoate

striped of who we are

this is how we go

this, right here, is how we fail to recognize that the past is gone.

dropped away without a trace

and we're following into the rabbit hole. blindfolded.

and tricked out of our sences

but we keep beating onward

swallowing prescribed emotions

these feelings of hollow wells

emptied, yet standing

so this is how we go

split second wonders

blended into a day

we breathe in, breathe out

and we're gone.

just like that.

this is how we go.

HEY HEY HEY! so friday again ehh?

went to my 5 hour ceramics class. but time fly's by pretty quickly quickly, and the teacher is legit.

another one of my thoughts over yonder...

honostly, i dont like the russian culture although my mom is russian and i guess you can say im russian even though i was born here. anyways the point is. yes, the culture sucks. the people are wierd and rude, kinda. but the language. oh the language . how i love it.

the songs that were written more than 10 years ago. so beautiful and powerful and passionate.

for example: ( and for some reason i like the sadder ones better)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KL0KNYT5MQU&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvgCUZOXY-A&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-PPk-Nn2mQ&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GRZ_nzb1eI&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2puLjrQUSA&feature=related

this poetic language tugs at my heart, flows in my veins like words and snow.

i think i should learn how to write better in russian.

it was my moms birthday a couple of days ago, so our house is filled with different kinds of flowers. how wonderful. i wish it could always be like this. :D tomorrow i have my 3rd ever 8 hour shift. yikes. but it goes by surprisingly quickly!

well im going to read my book, called little bee by chris cleave

the first paragraph is really good, so im hoping the rest is wonderful

words and art go hand in hand...
ahhhhh, im uber excited to develop my FOUr rolls of film from my diana mini adventure. im iffy about the outcome. but ill just have to wait and see. im thinking that at least one of the picture of the 50+ will turn out decent right?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zq5ITDL3oQ0&feature=related

when im in cardio kickboxing class, i feel like im in a movie. one of those cheesy 80s weight lose videos. and the crazy part is that i like it.

you know whats fun. walking around campas and trying to smile at people. because half of the time their in such a hurry that they dont even egg-knowledge you. lots do, but lots dont. and then i just laugh. because we're going through life in such a hurry. and one day we will close our eyes and be done.

but at the same time we're infinite, we leave a little piece of ourselves in everything. so we just keep going and going. like the energizer bunny

i should learn how to drive. i would go to the mountains in the reno/auburn area

go to the library

go to the san fransisco planetarium

drive to seattle

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. speaking of seattle.

i want to go there, well move there so badly

im getting sick of this hot weather. i need rain, i need snow. or im going to slowly die. seriosly

words and snow run through my veins. so if i dont move in the next 4 years, ill probably just spontaneously combust.

and that wouldn't be good

i like faces. there all so different. and this is cheezy. but soo beautiful in their own ways.

a beginning......

ive decided to start this up again.

im in college now, so i have some time to spare!

summer is almost gone, yippy skippy because im uber excited for fall or autumn. what ever it may be to you, im glad that its right around the corner. hats and gloves here i come. let the rain pour down. im sad that it wont snow here. im going crazy in this heat.

ive been looking at this blog lately for inspiration : http://cozyhunter.com/

its wonderful and even though i dont know the girl, i really like her!

i like this smaller font too, so im keeping it.

heres some artists that i like:

http://www.samwinston.com/Work/S-H & http://hrsmithjones.blogspot.com/

check em out!

new stuff -

my sister started working with me

im going to community college

i cut my hair mildly a line

one of my friends got hit by a drunk 17 year old so im going to visit her and my dad in a month in nebraska, where its cold, yay

one of my classes is cardio kickboxing, so im getting fit

i had some art in a gallery downtown

!!!!!! thats pretty much it

you strike me as someone who wonders

who dares to dream outloud,

in the middle of the night, underneath the midnight cap of stars

someone who is amazed by it all.

so in return, breathes it in

drinks it up

you. standing adrift from me.

unaware. engulfed in silent rhythmic beats,

that i cant feel

i cant even open my mouth to speak to you. paralyzed in quicksand

its okay to be weak sometimes, but you already know that

i want to look you in the eyes

show you im alive

but we will never meet

never cross paths.

never stumble on the same thought and feeling.

i think i understand.