today is the 8th of march. march march, i wish it would just go by faster.
but wishing doesnt change much, that im aware of.
today i cried at school. ive only done that a couple times before. like 3 ish
but i feel soooo extremely over whelmed.
i wish i would have been prepared for senior year. done with econ and american govnt. and my last five credits of math. but i wasnt so besides work, creek, and 2 stupid labs. i have american govnt and math for 2 hours 2 days a week. and my mom has to drive me around to those stupid places. like she doesnt have enough on her plate already. atleast maggie isnt doing a sport this semester. and im just so worried and stressed. i told maggie and mom that what i need as a graduation gift is some visits to a pshycologist. but thats not going to solve anything, and actually the last thing i would ever want to do is to talk to some stranger about my problems ( which arent really problems, there just life which is hard) and then them tell me how to fix them or stuff like that. no thank you!
well about today,
i was really ready to do some of my lab after school ( sieve and test soil) but then he said he wouldnt be open after all, so i went at lunch for a a sieve and he didnt have any. so that was okay, so on my way to the creek room ( mr. carson said another teacher might have some) so i went there, camly asked him for one. he totally exploded, and mind you i have never spoken to this teacher. and he gets this really angry expression on his face and says in a rude voice " you guys are going to lose all our damn equipment". something along those lines. and im like well i dont want to do this lab either, so he opens his closet in a fierce manner and says i dont have any. so i leave, go into the creek room and another teacher, mrs suchanek is having some kind of meeting with people. and i quitly stand there waiting for her to notice me, so she jerks her head around and says, rudely also, what do you want? i need a sieve. and she says something like i dont have time for this (like im some kind of loser she doesnt want to deal with )
so i just turn around and she says, well you can look in the back for one, and i quitly say but i dont know what they look like. because i dont! and i leave. and in that whole room of people, noone gets up and says, angelina, comeone ill get you one.
and i mean i could have gotten someone else to help me, but i didnt want to go back in because i could feel mysle breaking down. and i did after maggie and neel walked away to get nachos.
... and i walked to the bathroom, and cried in one of stalls. quitely and neatly. so that i wouldnt be all red. i dont think it really worked.
the delima was that carson had given me his keys in case the creek room wasnt open, and i still had to give them back. so i had to go where the group was and ask liz to give them back. and then everyone was like oh are you okay, what wrong. and i was just done crying, i didnt want to start crying again. oh how i wish i just had a car, or a ride home somehow. or just a timemachine.
and i looked pathetic, especially when carson came over and asked what happened. and maggie was back by that time and kinda filled him in.
but of course those 2 mean teachers didnt trigger my spillage. it was everything and everyone and just want out of high school. and i just want to graduate. i really want to.
and im not okay. i dont know when i will be, if ever.
but i thinkg its okay not to be okay. we just have to cry sometimes. it makes it a tad better.
i pray i dont fail science. i dont want to quite work, i like having my own money. i hate creek with a passion. a crazy passion. math is okay, but not the driving. and american govt. im mad the teacher just called last week to schedule me in.
but thats life right, nothing goes as we plan...